“What is the source of sadness, but feebleness of the mind? What giveth it power but the want of reason? Rouse thyself to the combat, and she quitteth the field before thou strikest.” ~Akhenaton 

I've been super sad lately. A lot of it is because The Dude & Princess haven't made integrating Little Bit easy. We're constantly yelling at one of the big cats to stop harassing / attacking Little Bit. Little Bit isn't blameless though - he sometimes antagonizes the big cats - especially Princess. I had hoped that they'd all at least ignore each other, but that's not happening. We've tried everything we can think of, but it's not helping. We've tried feeding them on opposite sides of a door (Little Bit has his own room at the moment). We've tried Lavender and Chamomile plug-ins. We've tried calming treats. All to no avail. It's making me angry, frustrated and sad. We're 100% certain that Little Bit is NOT going back to the shelter, but I'm starting to lose my mind over it. I wish I knew how to make them get along. 

I'm also sad because the energy that Abilify seemed to give me has either faded or the sadness is overtaking the energy. I'm tired all the time. I'm tired of being tired. I'm also tired of not getting answers about my POTS. The Tilt Table Test came back negative for heart involvement (which is good, but...). I've still got anxiety about handicapped parking. It comes down to this - I'm tired of this body and this brain. I really wish that I could escape it. The weight issues aren't even really part of the equation - that I did to myself, and I'm in the process of undoing. It's the creaky, crunchy joints; the loss of flexibility in my right hip; the exhaustion of walking up a flight of stairs or standing too long. I'm just over it all. I've come to accept that my brain wants me dead, but it's hard to realize that my body is failing me too. Even if I lost 100 pounds, I'd still have the same issues. I've had x-rays and testing done, and there is nothing wrong, or, at the very least, nothing that can be done. I go to see a Physical Therapist next week, and I'm going to ask them about Yoga, but I don't know if it's worth it. Tuesday I asked Sawyer not to work late because I was scared to be alone. I wanted to cut SO BAD, but I knew if Sawyer was home I wouldn't. I want to cut right now too, but I won't - hopefully. 

I wanted to go to the Pennsylvania Renaissance Faire with Sawyer this weekend. I know it's something he'd enjoy, but he doesn't want to go. I'm going with Sister C instead. I know I'll have a good time with her, but I wish Sawyer wanted to go. I feel like he doesn't want to spend time with me. 

To make myself feel a little better I've been (over)spending. I keep feeling like shopping will make me feel better, but it just makes me mad at myself because I'm using a credit card to pay for everything. I had my credit card paid off earlier this year but now I'm back to having a balance. It's a big one too because I got a credit increase. I put the card in our lock box so I can't use it anymore, but I have an itch to dig it back out so I can go spend-crazy at the Faire.

I'm just so sick of myself right now. I want out of my head and out of my body, and I can't have that. I don't know what to do anymore. I talk to my therapist, and take my medication, but none of that seems to be helping.