"I beg to dream and differ from the hollow lies This is the dawning of the rest of our lives" ~Green Day (Holiday)

I don't like to talk about private family stuff on here, but there is something I have to talk about or I'm going to go crazy (crazier?). Sawyer's maternal Gran isn't doing so well - Alzheimer's wise.

On Sunday (I believe) she & Paw were taking a walk, and Gran started to say that her leg was hurting. The next morning she couldn't walk so Paw called an ambulance. The doctors couldn't find anything wrong with her leg (and Sawyer's Mom told us that she's walking ok with a walker now). There was talk of discharging her today, but Sawyer's Mom wasn't sure if they'd send her home or if the doctors would want her to go to a nursing home. Sending her home doesn't sound like a good idea to Sawyer (or me really), but I understand why Sawyer's Mom, Aunt & Uncles would want that - they're afraid that if they send her to a nursing home the nurses / doctors will drug her into a stupor there (she's been belligerent to the doctors and nurses, and kicked a nurse yesterday - so the people at the hospital drugged her). 

All of this sucks - of course - but I'm now worried about me more than Gran. I'm worried about what will happen to me if I end up with Alzheimer's. When Sawyer & I were talking about Gran he said that if I couldn't remember him that he didn't think he'd be able to stay with me. I know he means that he'd put me in a nursing home and continue on with his life. I understand it, but it broke my heart to hear. I asked him "what about 'in sickness and in health'?" and he said "That only goes so far." I know that he means that he wouldn't want to be treated like an Alzheimer's patient when he's not, but I also know that there are nursing homes that meet in the middle - they're safe for the Alzheimer's patient, but the spouse still has freedom.

This is all so hard. I'm struggling with it all, but I'm so thankful that I decided to go to therapy, because _that_ is how I need to process this stuff. If I try to do it on my own I just turn myself into a big ball of anxiety, and nothing ever gets resolved.