Family means a lot to me. A particular Uncle used to mean a lot to me. After my Dad died he came to PA from NJ to be with my Mom & I. Once he left it was like he died too. He'd email me once in awhile but never often enough for me to consider "present" in my life. He's been struggling with being unemployed, an alcoholic, and alone. None of that is my fault. I didn't raise his blood pressure so he'd lose his job. I didn't/don't force him to drink, and I sure as hell didn't make him move to NJ. My Mom has offered one of her spare rooms to him several times. Everytime he declines because of his cats. I could say I understand except that his cats are all inbred, sick, mangy and just not well. But to him they are his "kids" - all he has. All of our family lives in PA (except for me - but I'm 2 hours away).. His brothers & sisters, his nephews, etc. He'd be around people in PA. He'd be helping my Mom in PA (all she asked is that he cook which he loves to do and maybe help around the house until he gets a job) rent free, but he won't move, he can't leave his "kids". My Mom has 2 great cats, S & M. They would love my Uncle and become his "kids".
I've offered to help him out anyway I could in the past. I stopped offering when he refused to come to my wedding. He knew that I needed him to walk me down the aisle, to make my Mom laugh and to just be there, but he wouldn't come. Even when I said I'd pay for gas, and even after one of my co-worker friends offered to drive to NJ to pick him up. He wouldn't come. After that, I wrote him off. I'm sure that my Dad would have appreciated him coming to his "favorite" neice's wedding but he didn't come.
A few weeks ago he emailed me saying he needed help, but not for him; for his cats. I couldn't respond. I was dumbfounded. I would gladly send my Uncle money to take care of himself, but not the cats. I talked to The Hubs about it (and my Mom) and said "If I were in his situation the cats would be gone". The Hubs looked me straight in the face and said "No they wouldn't". And you know what? That's true BUT our situation is different. We have 2 cats, and no matter how sad I feel for a stray we don't take them in. (My Uncle does.) Our cats are fixed. (Uncle's cats aren't.) So - my tally stays at 2 cats and his changes everytime my Mom talks to him. Our cats eat "good food" - it's more expensive than most cat foods, but that's a choice we have. You can bet that if we couldn't afford our rent or power bill the cats would be gone or at the very least eating cheap cat food. People ALWAYS come before pets. Pets are a luxury. Yes, The Hubs and I are comfortable, and yes, we could send him money, but I can't when I know that my Uncle could be starving while his cats eat...
So I never answered his email. Last night he emailed me something along the lines of "I guess I know where you stand. Thanks anyway". It kills me because although we could help him, I just can't. I can't help him knowing that he would rather have mangy sick cats than to live with my Mom. I want to help him, but I just can't stand behind his actions.
It hurts me for my Mom. She could REALLY use the company, but he just won't even entertain the thought of moving in with her, but yet he'll take "hand outs" from me. I want to email back and say "We just bought a house and you're asking me to feed your sick disgusting cats?! Really?!" but I know that we have it good. But, damn, we work for it. I'd do anything for my family but only for those that will do for themselves and give up what needs to be given up. Pets can be given up.. Give them to the right people and when you're back on your feet get them back, but don't sacrifice your own life for something that wouldn't do the same for you.
I really needed to get that off of my chest. It really kills me that he's basically written me off, but I'm thinking that the best decision for my life is to write off any friends and family that don't have my back. He doesn't. He couldn't come to my wedding where I needed him to help fill the emptiness of my missing Dad, then I can't help him fill his empty gap. It very could be spite but I don't think it'll do me any good to make amends when I don't think I did anything wrong.
What would you do?
I wouldn't help him. If he's living his life in a destructive way, I don't think you SHOULD help him. it won't make his situation any better.
ReplyDeleteAnd that was a nasty email comment he made "I guess I know where you stand" yea, well, where was HE standing on your wedding day?
Don't let him get to you. If he wants to change his life, get better, get help THEN you help him but to give him money to live his life in his destructive manner is just not a good way to spend the money you worked hard for.
I wouldn't help him either, not until he makes the necessary changes to his life. There's a difference in having a couple of cats as pets and having a houseful of strays.
ReplyDelete