I am going to confess something here that will probably make you all think I've lost my mind... I'm fairly certain that I do not belong on this planet. My heart and my mind tell me that this world isn't the right fit, I wasn't made to understand this life.
I'm not converting to Scientology or waiting for ET to swing by to pick me up, but I'm starting to believe that we are reincarnated to higher forms and that once we learn what we need to know from life, we evolve past being and move on to Heaven or some place where we don't need to learn anymore. I'm not saying that I know it all intelligence wise, but I'm saying that I believe that I'm learning what I really need to know, and that I hope once this life ends I can move on to a world that I understand; where I fit.
What brought about this thought process? The earthquake and tsunami in Japan. While a lot of the people in America are horrified at the disaster, they are still turning to other things to take their mind off of it - the Royal Wedding. celebrities, etc. I can't turn off my thirst for answers, for news, and for hope for Japan. It's truly horrible what is going on there, and I just can't seem to really care about anything else. I want to know what's going on at the nuclear plant; I want to know about the aftershocks; I want to know how they will continue living when so much is gone. I realized as I watched the news the other morning, that once the news anchors were done talking about Japan, their voices and expressions changed. It was just a story for them. Once that story was finished, they turned off their sadness, shock and questioning, and moved on to "happier" things. I just can't turn off the sadness for Japan.
I can't turn off the sadness for this world. I can't turn off the hurt, and anger I have for the way this world works. People ask me why J & I don't want kids, and beyond the reasons we give there is this - I can't raise a child in this hurtful, hateful world. I can't ask another human being to not hurt for the way this world works. I can't even ask myself to stop hurting for those that don't care about me. I could not send a small child out into this world, and expect them to make it a better place; to fix it.
There is so much I don't understand. How can anyone protest at the funeral of a hero? How can anyone protest at the funerals of innocent children killed in a horrible fire? How can we take out our hurt, frustration, and anger on others who are not the cause of the hurt, frustration, or anger? I get grumpy, and I take my feelings out on others, but I'm learning that doing that is not fair, or helpful. Being mean to someone else because I hurt will do nothing but hurt them too. Why should I hurt someone else because I hurt? I'm going to try to be more thoughtful about that in the future. I'm going to try to blog more to get my frustrations and hurt out, so that I can be a better member of society. I'm going to listen more and talk less. I'm going to be more understanding, and more positive.
I am doing all I can to make a positive impact on this world. I am trying to be a Green person, I'm trying to be crunchy and hippy dippy, and Mother Earth-y, but I feel like I'm spinning in place, like I'm not going anywhere. I want so badly to work from home and be green that way, but I can't. I'm trying to use reusable bags and not make more bag waste, but I can only do so much. I'm trying so very hard to find my way of helping, of fitting in, but no matter where I turn I feel like I'm just getting more lost.
I want to move to Pandora. Watching Avatar also spured this "I don't belong here" feeling. Pandora looked like home - like where J & I should live. There is respect, and true understanding that they are all connected.
Before you call the men in white coats let me say that I know Pandora isn't real. I know I can't go there, and I know that's not where I do belong, but it's an ideal I can get behind. We are all connected. Everything we do affects someone somewhere, so we should make choices that will help us all in the end. I can't be single minded anymore. Yes, there are things I want to do for myself, but there are bigger things I want to do for others.
For example: I want to design the guest bedroom in our house. Yes, because it makes me happy to design, but even more so because I know it will make whomever stays in that room happy as well. I want to open my home to people who need it. Friends and family who want or need a break are welcome to come stay in our guest room (just as soon as it's finished! *wink*). Just as I want to decorate that room to make others happy, I want to decorate the rest of our home to make J happy. Making him happy makes me happy. I want him to have a well decorated and well loved home to live in.
So... that's what has been going on in my head lately... I'd love to hear your opinion - even if you think I'm nuts! :)
First of all, you're not nuts. Second of all, I love you and your passion for all the things you don't understand. I am one of those that looks to the happier things in life, because I can't handle the pain, so I just "pretend" it's not there. I want to know how you are going about decorating your guest room & the rest of the house. I plan on decorating our new apartment when we move in June. We have lived here for 6 years, and besides painting the bathroom, I have never decorated, shocking I know, but I think it's because I never felt like this was home. It was just a place to stay, for a while.
ReplyDeleteI'm very sad that I do not get emails when you update, I would have commented on this when you posted 2 weeks ago, had I known it was here :(